Tiny thoughts

Something's shifting but I can't fully put my finger on it -- and not entirely understanding it actually makes me feel oddly comfortable. How about that.

Duality in kindness

There's a saying that goes to the tune of "Never meet your heroes, you'll be disappointed". You may have seen or heard it as a line in a superhero movie, a quote in a book or maybe even an online post.

The quote probably holds different meanings to each of us (thank you, subjectivity). For me, I struggled with the word 'hero' at first because I found it hard to distinguish between a hero, mentor or idol. Some may define their hero as a famous people, like their favourite singer, adventurer, artist, explorer or actor. Others say their parents or best friends are their heroes.

After some deliberation, heroes in my eyes have to be people that I know personally. So that narrows it down to family and friends. There surely are some extraordinary ones and they have one thing in common -- they are genuinely kind people. I've had the chance to spend significant amounts of time with them and unfortunately, they saying at the start of this post does hold water.

The more time you spend with people, the higher the chance of finding out that they're not all about the rainbows and butterflies you had in your mind. The same way the outwardly happiest people are usually some of the saddest people you'll ever meet, the kindest people will unfortunately also be the most cruel ones you'll ever experience.

Of course there's the juxtaposition that will make each trait seem exceptionally extreme. I guess it's hard to reconcile how someone you hold to be so kind in your heart can act in any cruel way. So when it does happen, you don't see it coming. It's unexpected, it's shocking, you're in complete disbelief that the pedestal you'd built was actually made of cheese -- it melted with just a bit of heat. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is when you wish you'd never met your hero.

At the end of it all, I still hope you meet your heroes. In the grander scheme of things, you'll be better for it. Just remember to ground yourself in the fact that they too are human and possess duality, as do you. TLDR, nobody's perfect. We learn something from every interaction. It'll either be a lesson on how you want to be, or how you never want to be.

Consistency & discipline is not always kind

It's been a painful uphill battle of trying to regain my confidence, find reason to take on each new day and feel comfortable in my own body + mind. But I'm starting to see the light -- some hope, if you may.

This comes after a year of reading books, listening to talks, attending classes, watching shows, meeting practitioners, journaling and so much more. All to try to figure out the point in life. It's mostly been a task to convince myself that life is worthy, and that I'm worthy of life.

I could write endlessly about the past year (and I probably will, try and stop me), but what I feel need to be said today is that the traits of being consistent and disciplined aren't always the answer.

I'm a sucker for self-help tips and listicles, you know the ones that give you a succinct blow-by-blow of what you need to start doing to be happier. Pure sucker for that shit and proud of it. Many of these listicles are repetitive by nature because how many ways can you describe how to peel an apple, right? The one advice I felt I haven't connected with in a long while is that in order to see results, we need to be disciplined and regular because we are creatures of habit, it's necessary to keep on keeping on, regularity makes the task easier, etc.

All that's good advice perhaps for most people, but for those who struggle to keep the pace -- I just want to make it known that you're not alone and you're not a hopeless excuse for the space you take up. There are seasons in life when you're a raging machine and discipline for everything courses through your pores. I've been that person. I've also been that person where that very same disciple just doesn't stick no matter what you try. And that is normal. You've given it a few tries, you failed and beat yourself up for not being a disciplined bone bag yet again.

In my case, the thing that is truly has not stuck with my for the past year is regular exercise. I used to be a daily yoga girl. Sometimes even twice a day. For the life of me, I can't conjure it back into consistent existence. Then I allowed myself to realise that I'm a different person every single day. Some days, my body feels the need to move. So I move. Be it a ridiculous dance, basic stretching, just jumping up and down and shaking - whatever works at that time and place is what I'll take. Some days, I need to write pages and pages in my journal. So I do it. Some days, I need to stuff my face endlessly. So I do it. Some days, I need to doom scroll. Ah who am I kidding, that one I have the disciple to do any day.

Sometimes, kindness lies in not following the blow-by-blow of other people's advice. It's the same principle behind "don't knock it till you've tried it". You've tried it, likely multiple times, but there's no grip. And it's hard to say you have no discipline just because of that one thing you can't seem to push yourself to achieve every single day. How about focusing on the things that you are disciplined about -- maybe it's that you feed your pets the very moment you wake up every day? Or that non-negotiable thing you have about all the dishes being done before bed every day? Or that taking a shower is a consistent thing you cannot shake? Tweak the narrative in your head just a touch. Be kind to yourself whenever you can.